Vince Vaughn

Recently, I was bored enough to imagine myself interviewing Vince Vaughn. Vince, the star of such hit films as Swingers, Old School, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, and Wedding Crashers, is used to portraying the quintessentially confident and fast-talking salesman type in his buddy films, but as I was to find out, the real Vince is a quiet, shy, introverted, and exceedingly humble gentleman. So without further ado, I give you my fictional interview with Mr. Vaughn.

Marc Craig – Vince, thanks for taking the time to talk to me.

Vince Vaughn – You motor-boatin’ son of a bitch!

MC – Beg your pardon?

VV – That’s from Wedding Crashers.

MC – Oh…right. Ha. I remember that, that was when –

VV – Marc, baby – what are we doing here?

MC– Uh, well we’re conducting an interview. I was hoping –

VV – No. I mean, what are we doing with our lives? You know what I’m saying?

MC – I’m not sure I follow.

VV– Let me tell you a story, you like stories, good. This one’s about a guy named Vince. It’s hypothetical, it’s about a guy named Vince but it might as well be about a guy named Steve, or Joe, or Ricky, because it’s a universal thing, it’s here and it’s there, it’s up and it’s down, it’s about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. It’s about friendship and success, ambition and dreams. Take me for example. Lots of people say I’m an actor. I don’t know. Maybe I am. Maybe you are. Maybe we all are. Maybe we’re all just actors on this great stage we call planet Earth. Maybe we’re acting right now and aliens are watching us and they’re going, “This movie sucks!” and maybe they’re right. You know what I’m saying? Maybe we oughta get canceled. But I don’t think so – know why? Because I have faith. I’m glad you asked that question.

MC – I didn’t ask a question.

VV – Not with your mouth you didn’t but your eyes – they asked a question and that question got answered. It’s okay. You’re welcome.


MC – Thank you?

VV – Don’t mention it. You know what’s funny? I was at this party in North Hollywood and this guy – Paul or Freddy or Jimbo, I don’t remember for sure – details, details, you know? But this guy comes up to me and says, “Vince, baby, how did you break into the biz? Even better – how did you avoid getting pigeon-holed and typecast, how did you find yourself acting in such a wide variety of films, how did you have the good fortune to get to portray so many different characters?” I say, “You want the long and short of it? Talent.” A lot of things are like that.

MC – Okay…

VV – Another time, I’m doing karaoke with my man Brad Pitt – I’m nailing his ex – and we’re halfway through this kick-ass rendition of “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” when some guy starts heckling us. So I turn to Pitt and I say, “You hear that B-Radical? This joker’s knocking our performance. You gonna take that Fight Club?” Pitt turns to me and says, “Forget it man. It’s not that big a deal.” I say to him, “Not that big a deal? What are you – Jesus? You gonna turn the other cheek to this guy? You’re a Hollywood badass! I saw you throw down in Snatch. Let’s get this guy.” But Pitt begged off. Long story short, I followed the heckler home and burned his house down.

MC – Jesus. [shifts uneasily] So, uh, you mentioned Jennifer Aniston. You two are dating now right?

VV – Jen – she’s a great girl. Not too thick in the chest or between the ears, but great girl all around. Love her to death. We did a movie – The Break Up – in theaters June 2nd. Do yourself a favor and go see it. Bring the kids. Bring the parents. Bring the whole family. It’s a date movie. It’s a comedy. Lots of laughs. Regular giggle-fest. Get on it. [slaps me on the ass]

MC – Thanks. Vince, you starred opposite Will Ferrell in both Old School and Anchorman. What was it like working with a man many people consider to be one of the premiere-

VV – DOROTHY MANTOOTH IS A SAINT! Ha ha. You like that? No problem. I’m more than happy to play loveable rival anchorman Wes Mantooth any day of week. Anything for my fans. That’ll be five thousand dollars.

MC – Vince - this brings up an interesting point. It’s alleged that you suffer from some sort of hyperactivity disorder. Is there any truth to this?

VV – Hyperactive? Who’s hyperactive? Are you hyperactive, ‘cause I think you are just jumping around like a regular Mexican jumping bean firing off questions left and right and not letting old Vince get a word in edgewise! I mean, hell man, if you want this interview over just say the word and I’ll take this [slaps own ass] sweet thing right out the door – last thing you see. Or maybe I’ll just sprinkle a couple lines on this table and we get down to business. Your choice.

MC – Vince, I didn’t mean anything by it. Honestly, I was just playing devil’s advocate and-

VV – That’s okay. I understand. You gotta do what you gotta do and I gotta do what I gotta do. That’s just how it is. I love you.

MC – Thanks, Vince. [looks around anxiously for an exit]

VV – Please, call me Vince.

MC– Uh…

VV – Better yet, call me Vince.

MC – Security!

VV – Baby, relax. I’m just kidding. That’s a little trick I like to play where I act like I go crazy. The truth is, I’m totally fucking nuts. BAM! I’m Emeril! Again, just kidding. Look, it’s been real but I gotta go. Stay beautiful. [hurls himself out the win